By Eric Wong
eric@asianscene.com

    Here it is, ladies and gentleman. It's that time of year again. Are you ready for the fourth annual best malls to check out chicks list?! Although I have switched venues, the index is better than ever for the places not to be missed and the places definitely to avoid. The malls are ranked from worst to best.

Valley Fair Mall, Santa Clara:

• This has got to be the worst place in the Bay by far. This place is more commonly known as Cirque du Silicone Valley. All you see are plastic hoochies everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if they started busting out their balloons, and made animals. Above all that, there are hordes of recent immigrants who can't speak a lick of English trying to act all rich, sporting their Steve Madden shoes, displaying their nasty old feet for the world to see. Despite its upscale décor and variety of nice boutiques, the mall is extremely cramped and uncomfortable. Grade: D-

Eastridge Mall, San Jose:

• There is nothing here but wannabe thugs and girls who think they are hoodrats. Now tell me something. How can these people think they are ghetto when there are very little if any projects in San Jose? The mall itself looks like crap, and the employees are rude. Grade:D-

Stanford Shopping Center, Palo Alto:

• Well, at least the people here don't have to pretend to be wealthy, but that is the main problem. The only reason why this mall has no roof is so that the people who go here have room for their noses. Even the lady who works in the watch shop won't give you the time. She's too busy keeping an eye out for the Rolexes, and making sure you don't have a hammer in your back pocket. I'll have to admit. There are some cuties here, but unless you're John Chambers or Jerry Yang, you ain't gettin' none. Grade: D

Bayfair Mall, San Leandro:

• Avoid this place at all costs! Sure, there are plenty of hotties here, but they are all swept up by the brothers. It's a shame how all the tall ones, 5'10"+, all seem to go this route. For the rare few that are not taken, it is still not worth getting robbed or having your car broken into, as this mall is notorious for its high crime rate. Grade: C-

Great Mall, Milpitas:

• Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Being my old stomping grounds, six months ago, this was the place to be. Ever since WonderPark shut down, it just hasn't been the same. WonderPark was a simple arcade, but the level of beauty exhibited in its hallowed halls was second to none. Hunnies from all over the Bay ventured into this place to see and be seen. There was no club or bar that could even come close. However, WonderPark was bought out by the drab and boring Dave & Buster's, a combination arcade/pool hall/bar/restaurant. Prices are exorbitant, and the games are not all that great. Hopefully, things will change when the Century 20 movie theater is in place, along with the Rainforest Café (in place of the squashed Planet Hollywood proposal), and the full size skate park. As for now, this place is a mess. Grade: Six months ago: A; Now: C

Tanforan Mall, San Bruno:

• Despite recent efforts at revitalizing this mall, it still looks old and delapidated. The locals don't even come here anymore, as most of the patrons are out-of-towners. The grub in the food court is crappy too. Grade: C

New Park Mall, Newark:

• Once the best thing going in the Tri-Cities area, in recent years, it has fallen to high vacancy and a lack of higher class clientele. There is one side of the mall that is almost completely dead, as all the shops are missing in action, and the mall is mostly filled with not so classy individuals. The view from the top level down used to be arguably the best in the Bay, but you would be hard pressed to see much these days. The local Fremont and Union City girls still hang out here once in awhile though, so all is not lost. The arcade is still a great place too (one of the few places that had Capcom's Tech Romancer, the precursor to Power Stone). Grade: B

Southland Mall, Hayward:

• This has been the place to check out the ghetto hoochies for years, and it still upholds its status to this day. Don't expect to find any high class girls around here. It is strictly for those looking for something rough, raucous, and raw. Grade: B+

Serramonte Mall, Daly City:

• This place has been in existence for ages, and it still hasn't failed to impress. From the first day I stepped foot into this place (after the semi-annual graveyard visitation ritual), I was hooked. There are girls everywhere! Many of them are friendly, and they don't give you any attitude. There is not much more that can be said about this mall because if you are Asian, and you live in the Bay, you undoubtedly know about the legacy of this place. Grade: A-

Hillsdale Mall, San Mateo:

• This has always been one of the nicer malls in the Bay, but recent additions have made it even better. The whole building is clean and fresh, and just full of life. All the girls who work here are so polite and friendly. Just about each and every one of them is so damn hot. Even the security guards are top notch. This is definitely El Mattie-O's finest. Grade: A-

Hacienda Crossings, Dublin:

• This sprawling complex is home to Best Buy, Bed Bath and Beyond, and other large stores. Other than that, there are not too many great shops, but the hotties are definitely abound. It is always hot out in the valley, so they all regularly dress to impress. When you go here, it is a surreal experience. You have the sensation that you are not in California anymore. You have to see it to understand what I am talking about. With the new Regal multiplex movie theater, featuring regular and Imax films, soon to come, this place will definitely elevate to main event status. The theater itself is a marvel to behold, with beautiful solid brick construction all around, and a truly awe-inspiring glass face. Grade: A-

Union Landing, Union City:

• Although not technically a mall, this entertainment complex, anchored by the largest movie theater in the Bay, Century 25, is the hang out for all the hotties from Union City and Hayward, my hometown. There are new shops opening constantly, including Krispy Kreme Donuts (March 21), TGI Friday's, and of course, Jollibee. Down the road, proposed shops include Best Buy and In-N-Out Burger. Grade: A

Stoneridge Mall, Pleasanton:

• This is by far the best of the upscale malls in the Bay. There is plenty of room to roam, since the aisles are very, very wide. It also has the best selection of shops anywhere. You can kill two birds with one stone. This place is only five minutes away from Hacienda Crossings. The legend most definitely is true - they do blossom bigger in the valley. Ahhh… Spring is in the air. Are you ready to spread the pollen? Grade: A+

Stonestown Galleria, San Francisco:

• What more can I say? This is truly the granddaddy of them all. If you are still in high school, all the Lowell girls kick it here after school. If you are a college kid or beyond, there are always those SF State hunnies. The bench near the elevators on the second floor, on the opposite side of the food court, is the best seat in the house. This was the only place better than New Park Mall in its heyday for second floor balcony views. Now, it is above and beyond. There is no other. Grade: A++

        There you have it. Be sure to check back for other "best of" lists. I'll check you later. Wherever the hotties are, as Beavis and Butthead would say, "We're there, dude!"